“The irony is that we attempt to disown our difficult stories to appear more whole or more acceptable, but our wholeness—even our wholeheartedness—actually depends on the integration of all of our experiences, including the falls.” Brene Brown
Our difficult stories are what make us who we are. They’re what shape us, break us open and fundamentally change us. Just because your difficult stories might be hard for somebody else to hear DOES NOT mean you stop telling them.
When you share your difficult stories, you release the shame, guilt and fear that you’ve tied to that story. It no longer owns you. It is cleansing and cathartic, and shows other women it’s okay for them to share their painful stories, too.
When I was a freshman in college, I joined the Women’s Center and it was the first time I felt safe enough to start talking about my childhood and teen years. Almost as a confirmation from the Universe, women approached me after open mics and meetings to thank me for sharing. They’d open up and tell me things they’d never even said out loud before, things they’d kept locked up and hidden because they thought nobody would understand.
When I shared my story, women realized they were not alone.
Eighteen years ago, as a wide-eyed, small town girl on her own for the first time, I realized the power in story-telling. Something that had been so foreign to me (this was not encouraged by my family) came so naturally. I realized then that when I spoke honestly and openly about my struggles, the shame and guilt slowly started to fade away.
When I graduated college in 2001, I put that side of me to rest. I closed that chapter of my life. I lost my sisterhood and my deep connections to some really powerful women. I was supposed to find a job and have a serious life; this meant there was no room for women’s gatherings or meetings.
But I still had stories to tell, and so I told them in dark bars to women who seemed like they could use some a friend. I rarely told my story first, it was usually in response to a woman who had opened up to me. I felt a need to let her know she wasn’t alone.
Women have stories that need to be heard. Not just with ears, but with a heart. I can feel that in my bones and I know for me, that is my truth. I have a story that I need to tell, so I can heal and be healed. And it is my belief that we ALL have a story to tell.
And then, a reality check: I realized not everybody actually WANTS to hear my story. It’s hard to hear. It’s not pleasant. In fact, parts of it are fucking awful. My therapist once told me she had no idea how I was still alive. She said women with stories like mine were either dead through drug use or suicide, or living on the streets as drug addicted prostitutes. Ouch.
My story is dark, it’s sad and it’s part of who I am.
Most people don’t want to hear about child abuse. They don’t want to hear about the scars that emotional and mental abuse leave, or the subsequent drug use and self-hatred that follow. They don’t want to hear about cutting or visits to the mental hospital.
But you know who DOES want to hear those stories? People who have gone through the same shit. People who spent their whole childhood and adult life thinking they weren’t good enough, or that they somehow deserved what happened to them. The people who want to hear those stories are the people who need to heal and know they aren’t alone. They never were, and they never will be.
So hear me again: just because someone doesn’t want to hear you speak your truth does not mean you stop speaking your truth!
Do not shrink down because your story is hard for other people to hear. Do not stay quiet because your story is hard to tell. Do not play small because people don’t think you should be sharing the shit that happened to you as a kid. Do not stay quiet because you’re worried people will judge you. They’re going to judge you regardless, so f**k it!!
We need you to tell your stories! There is a woman out there, right now, who needs to hear what you’ve been through and what you’ve overcome. She’s heard other stories, sure, but it’s something about you and your particular story that will transform her life.
How fucking powerful is that???
Your story, the one you thought nobody wanted to hear, will heal another woman and help her move through the shame and guilt she’s been carrying around her entire life.
Your story, the one somebody told you to stop telling, will move somebody to tears, and enable them to finally start to process the abuse they had to endure all those years ago.
Your story, the one you thought wasn’t important enough, will make another woman realize that she can get through this and come out on the other side.
We need you to speak up and tell your story! This world needs you and all of your messiness. You have a story to tell. We all do.
Are you ready to start?
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